So I’ve been away. True. I’ve been silent for a bit longer than I would normally want. But as you all know its necessary at times to take a few steps back and try to recharge. I had spent so much of this year writing, meeting new people and generally trying to have more contact with the outside world, that I was on the verge of burning myself out.

Being an introvert, it was tough and very exhausting. Never in a million years would I have thought I would have done a spoken word performance, but I did multiple. Never would I have even dreamt of entering a poetry competition, but I did, plenty. Its not to say I won them all, or dropped the mic to a rapturous applause. But the fact that I did things outside my comfort zone in an effort to reintegrate myself into society is commendable if I do say so myself. Unfortunately one can only do so much. At times I feel I did too much too quickly. Especially for me, seeing as I had for so long decided not to enlarge my circle of acquaintances. For great lengths of time I did not feel compelled to put myself on display to the world, to meet interesting characters or enlarge my circle of acquaintances.

I was alone, which at the time suited me perfectly. But there is a great difference between taking time to relax, reflect and recharge ones batteries and self isolation. I had stopped posting for a while, telling myself that I need time to rest my mind, service and recharge my battery. And rest my hand, it had waltzed with pen in hand over so many blank pieces of paper that even in my sleep I would sway my hand in the air unconsciously like a choir conductor. So I took time off. And in so doing I also decided to greatly reduce my social media activity, in-fact it ground to a complete halt seeing as my writing was pretty much all I ever posted. What was meant to be a few days turned to a couple weeks and its now well over a month in which I haven’t written, posted and/or responded to messages. Somewhere along the lines I crossed over from merely resting and taking a break too self isolation.

I had honestly felt a break was neccessary because I had been feeling inordinately tired of late. My numerous exchanges and conversations with various individuals throughout the course of this year, although mostly pleasent, had sapped my energy. I had been taxed heavily, mentally, physically and emotionally. A tax I had insufficient resources to declare.

Whats funny is that as tired, not tired; as exhausted as I have been, sleep has for the most part continued to elude me. Most nights I find myself in bed, not asleep, but propped against my pillows awake. Most nights I’m trapped in a bitterly unbearable state of semi consciousness. This has gone on for a little longer than my usual spells of insomnia and its worrying me.

Lack of sleep if prolonged, as in my case, can be very detrimental to ones health. Both physically and mentally. And I feel it, I’m easily distracted these days, often finding myself staring into space or easily losing my train of thought. I’m even more irritable than usual, getting upset over the most insignificant things. This is basically the reason I had chosen to stick to myself for a bit, I was in the midst of an episode and reflexively shut myself down and everyone out. The worst thing I could have done, because when depressed, you don’t want to get out of bed. You may not be asleep, as is the case with me, but you don’t want to interact with anyone or be bothered by anything.

But I shall tell you today, overcoming depression requires you to get up, go out and engage with life. Self isolation is the worst possible thing anyone can do when they are feeling down. I say this because isolation intensifies sadness. The more you isolate yourself, the sadder you become, the more your depression intensifies.

So instead of fuelling negativity in your life by self isolation and inactivity, why not find a distraction and shift your energy. Unfortunately its not really something I can say or tell you to do, it all depends generally on an individual and what it is that gives them joy. But it could be anything from exercise, taking a nature walk, interacting with loved ones, prayer, meditation, playing sport, holidaying, you name it. Anything that shifts the scale in favour of positive thinking. For me, its writing, reading and playing billiards.

I know what I’m saying is not easy to do. Trust me, I know. Looking back at my life now, I honestly believe I began experiencing symptoms of depression quite early in my twenties, but I was none the wiser back then. I always used to worry, suffered from anxiety and with every setback these intensified. But I didn’t understand these feelings, how feelings of hopelessness and the prolonged periods of sadness I suffered were actually depression and symptoms of deeper seated mental health issues. All I knew was I felt sad quite often, I was often lonely and I tended to worry about things more than I felt necessary; so what did I do?

Instead of seeking professional help I often found myself awake at odd hours of the night smoking in the dark, hiding away in a substance induced haze. More often than not I dove to the bottom of the bottle, and I sought companionship to appease my loneliness. But this did me no good.
Daily I suppressed tears, behind laughter and alcohol I attempt to hide sadness. I was constantly lost in a haze of smoke and pain, trying to drown my tears, my shame, my guilt, my blame. It had turned me to drugs, a temporary escape, fleeting high, a moment’s peace, a lifetime’s ache. My life had become a constant battle, during day and endless night.

I’m probably going way off course, and I ask that you forgive me. Its just that I could talk for hours about my struggles with depression and SUD, struggles that I for the most part have overcome. Struggles that I do not wish upon you my son/brother/friend.

So my free piece of advice to you today is reach out when you need help. It does you no good to isolate yourself from loved ones when feeling sad or low. Isolating oneself at such times will only intensify the saddness one feels and this could lead to normal grief or sadness progressing to mild depression and onwards to severe depression. The moment one self isolates and no-one checks in or people appear to ignore their distress, one may begin to feel like they are not necessary. If people go about their daily life and appear happy, one may begin to feel that their a burden and the world would go on just fine even if they were nolonger there. Feelings of S.I may start to creep in.

I have always wanted to write comprehensively on this, but I shall only touch on it briefly today; it is the responsibility of everyone in a family to look out for each other. It pains that at times a family member will battle depression and other mental health illnesses alone whilst loved ones merely go about their lives without noticing.

So remember, ones mental health can be diagnosed based on ones personality (ones way of thinking, feeling, behaving and relating to others). So when ones mental health deteriorates it is evidenced by a negative personality shift. And when one is suffering from depression or any other mental health illness it means their long or short term patterns of thought and behaviour are now different from that considered normal. These thoughts and behaviours are often unhealthy and inflexible, the end result being problems with relationships, work and any or all social activities.

Although the signs and symptoms of depression and other mental health illnesses may not always be apparent, looking out for the following may be a good place to start; if an individual has practised self harm. Excessive intake of alcohol, drug and substance abuse are possible symptoms of depression or mental health illness. Anhedonia, social withdrawal and isolation along with a refusal to make future plans should ring alarm bells. A preoccupation with death, insomnia or hypersomnia. Elevated anxiety, sudden weight loss or weight gain and poor hygiene are all possible symptoms.

I really took a lot of time to think about this after listening to one of the biggest songs of 2023, Libianca’s “People”. Having been drawn to its mellow, catchy tune and her voice i had gone through the motions of singing along without really diving deep into what it was she was singing about. Its only during one bout of a severe depressive episode that I took time to listen lyric for lyric and it so radiated with me that it became the soundtrack of my life all through that phase.

So I urge you my son/brother/friend, check on those close to you. Some may appear happy and certain subtle signs may go unnoticed unless you take a good look and take time to listen not only to what is said, but what is not.

And its in simple things really, lot of families undervalue the importance and significance of meal times. In todays fast paced society most people are out at work or school all throughout the day, once home everyone is glued to their mobile phones. Ones struggles can go unnoticed this way, which is why I encourage families to at least prioritise dinner time and weekend breakfasts as family time. Merely to sit for the 45 minutes it takes my niece Hannah to finish her dinner and checkup on each other. During the past year, meal times have actually been the highlight of my day; not only because I LOVE food, but because from the pleasure of my nieces company, to my dads telling and retelling of humorous tales, to my mums incredible cooking and my sisters inspirational presence, I have never felt more at peace. For no-matter how much of a slump I’m in, or how bad an episode I may be in the midst off, I always leave the dining table feeling much better and sated; physically, emotionally and mentally. Its in such setups that any challenges can be noticed. Subtle changes are quickly noted and promptly addressed. Whether its a multi course meal, or just something simple and delightful as sadza and okra, I encourage you to sit with loved ones, ask about each others day and help each other unburden.

A significant number of cases of depression are attributable to loneliness which is as a direct result of neglect. Depression along with other mental heath illnesses tend to also intensify if an individual feels isolated, doesn’t matter if its self imposed or they have been shut out.

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